Who am I?

At the risk of falling into the potentially dangerous pattern of asking and attempting to answer incredibly big questions, on the eve of 2020, I’m writing about who I am. In preparation for this new year, which I expect to bring lots of love, joy, and good practices, I spent the day doing things that I want to continue on tomorrow, the next day, and hopefully for the rest of my life. I began outlining a pilot script; I worked out; I did errands; I FaceTimed friends and family- all practices that I could happily carry out for the rest of my days.

It’s possible my most important moments of today came at the beginning. Following my mom’s suggestion, I read and finished Michael Singer’s The Untethered Soul. Before continuing, I want to offer my whole-hearted endorsement and say that I absolutely think it’s a book worth reading. I mention it here because the text begins and essentially ends with my title, stating that transcendance lies in recognizing that we are all a consciousness through which energy flows and if we can accept that life is change and allow changing energies to move freely through us, then we can achieve a never ending, unqualified state of happiness.

I agree with everything I read and at times while reading, I experienced a euphoria that brought me to tears. But while the book encourages us to relax into our consciousness, and question this “I am” if we must question anything at all, I found myself cleaving to a conversation from yesterday. I didn’t know how to feel about cleaving to this past exchange if the goal is to open and effectively let go of everything and every moment as a temporary element of the present that is constantly fleeting.

The conversation I’m referencing was with my Lyft driver, Tigist, as I left LAX. A lot has changed for me this year in the sense that I moved from DC to LA to pursue tv writing with no real leads and all of my friends heading in the opposite direction across the country. I graduated from college knowing that I needed to do something and I wanted it to be something that mattered, but I didn’t have much clarity beyond that.

In the four months since I first touched down, a year to the day that my brother moved here from San Francisco, I’ve had a lot of high and low moments relative to my confidence and even my faith that things would be “okay.” I now know that according to Michael Singer and my mom, those low moments were encounters with “closed energy” and I feel comfortable letting them go, but the fact remains that I’ve had lots of reasons to question who I am in the last year.

Before recognizing myself as a consciousness, I saw a collection of ideas and identities, which have mostly fallen away with routine life changes and the release of long held feelings. The two identities I find most fascinating and which take up a lot of my thoughts when I’m actively thinking are those having to do with sexuality and race.

In my conversation with Tigist, I got to ruminate on race a bit more than I already had having seen Slave Play over the break. Soon after I got into her car, she asked if I was Ethiopian because of my name and my features. Although none of my Habesha friends see it, according to more than one Lyft driver, I look like I could be from Ethiopia.

We had a sprawling conversation about why I moved here and her daughter’s desire to go to Howard, study law, and help empower black people. For my part, I gave my enthusiastic support for this plan along with a list of reasons why an HBCU, and Howard more specifically, is a great choice for a black student- especially one who’s smart and motivated to help Black people.

By the end of our ride, I seemed to have made some progress on behalf of Tigist’s daughter although she worries there’s no money in serving your people. Still beyond my potential contribution to Howard’s community by some kind of funky transitive property, I was mostly taken with the affirmations that Tigist offered me- that I have a bright future here, that my parents should be proud(they are!), and that she would be happy to have me as her daughter.

I’ve been struggling for some time with how invested I am in the affirmations that I received. Even though I think it’s a part of the human condition- to relish in affirmation, I feel a level of guilt that I’m sometimes a little bit proud of my tears, like the depth of my feeling makes me any more human or that I like when people recognize me for completely subjective traits and achievements. I hoped to finish this by midnight but see that the time has arrived, and I don’t know exactly where I was going with this.

Sometimes my only hope is for my writing to be a vehicle for me to ask a question. Sometimes I know my answer and sometimes I don’t. I also wanted to memorialize a conversation that felt big for a moment but might not feel the same later on. Tigist kept telling me that I should learn Amharic and visit Ethiopia so that during my visit, I could pretend to be from there. The only words that I remember saying to her verbatim are, “there’s so much to learn.” This is where I’ll end, as I think it’s a fitting summary of my title question. I am, and we are, everything and everyone and there’s so much to learn and that is very good. Happy 2020! I’m looking forward to all of the beginnings that the future holds.

“Why was I born?”


Coltrane’s “Why was I born” has been swelling in my chest. Often if a piece or a person resonates with me, I feel this swelling sensation- something like my diaphragm is filling with water, but it’s comfortable. A gentle drowning. Upon my first encounter with the song and in many encounters after that one, I thought it was meant to be melancholy. I imagined someone, not unlike myself, perhaps arriving at the realization that she is an unemployed, recent college graduate with few ideas about how to move forward, only knowing that it’s necessary to do so- she must do something and go somewhere. This person at this point in time might get a little down and ask the question, “why was I born?”

Today, which will be yesterday by the time I’ve posted this and maybe “many days ago” by the time you’re reading, I began to interpret the titular question in a different and decidedly more joyful way. In this new reading,”why was I born?” became the start to a realization of the self, and this realization requires the kind of search that gets lost if you never have time or take time to reflect on the many big and small questions that arise in the course of the day.

I’ve been trying to figure out a lot of things in not a lot of time, and while that doesn’t seem very fair to myself or the subjects that I’m examining, I’ve arrived at something. The something is that there is no way of knowing, at least definitively, why I was born. But if I can consider my purpose for being in the same way that I encountered the Coltrane piece then I might think about how I reframe. I mean to express that I first received the Coltrane piece in one way, but some days later, for no real reason at all, it became something else. Likewise, it seems that my purpose can’t be one thing because I am constantly forced to reevaluate myself and the world around me, to the point that many of my previous interpretations are now outdated.

Essentially what I’m saying is that there are so many starts and instances of being “born” so that there are infinite opportunities to have a purpose, which can never be the only purpose. In these instances, after the birth story that we all have in common, the important detail becomes the how and not the “why” of being born, the circumstances and the self at that very particular moment that coalesce into a new beginning.

Recently, a friend said that twenty-two sounds “so old”. As a gift to myself on my twenty-second birthday, I’ve written this hopeful reframe.

Aminé’s take on the word nigga

IMG_E0912I first became a fan of Aminé when he responded to my comment under his Instagram post. The caption asked his followers for movie recommendations to watch on a very long flight. I suggested that he watch “Terms of Endearment” followed by the “Jimmy Neutron Movie”, and he wrote back, “you the goat for this”. I am an avid social media user and have been for the last five or six years, and still this was my first time ever feeling that it brought me closer to someone that I did not already know. Following our exchange, if you can even call it that, I listened to Aminé’s album from start to finish and realized that there is far more to him than the penetratingly catchy “Caroline”.

Since my foray into his debut album, “Good for You”, I have seen Aminé’s fan base grow with every new tweet that he uses to commemorate a milestone in views on his “Spice Girls” music video. I also witnessed his ability to go viral following a performance on Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show. He devoted a portion of his five minutes or fewer on national television to shine a light on the hatred and racism that pervades American national identity, and is progressively less reserved since Donald Trump’s election to the presidency. When I saw the notification for Aminé’s recent Tiny Desk Concert on NPR, I should have known to expect another moment like the one on Fallon, time taken out to say something meaningful and delivered to a soothing melody, as is his style.

This time Aminé brought attention to non-black people saying “nigga”, and I’m really glad he did. I was reminded of the Ta-Nehisi Coates clip that circulated on social media throughout last week and the week before. In the video, a white Northwestern student asks him how to explain to other white people why they aren’t allowed to say “nigga”. In short, Coates answers that words exist in specific contexts, and it is due to certain present and historical contexts that white people cannot use the word, as there is nothing in its meaning or history for them to reclaim. He goes on to say that white people believe they can and should be able to say “nigga” in song lyrics because they have access to everything else in America, and more broadly in the world. Coates says it would be a good practice in trying to understand the black experience if a white person would refrain from singing the word because to be black is to be denied experiences, time and time again.

I thought a lot about Coates’ response, which is undoubtedly astute, and decided that I would have gone further if I were to answer the Northwestern student’s question. I think Aminé knows where we should start, not simply with white people but with anyone who is not black. A headline on an article profiling the Tiny Desk Concert shows exactly why we must be deliberate in outlining who can and cannot use the word, because despite the fact that Aminé raps “if you’re not black don’t say it”, somehow the publication heard an address to only “white fans”.

In trying to explain non-black people’s continued “nigga” use to one of my best friends who is white, I drew on the popular feminist theory that women’s work is undervalued and under compensated in the public sphere because it was first devalued in domestic settings. Women’s work at home is an obligation associated with womanhood, so ascribed that it has long been forgotten as anything other than a woman’s responsibility. This labor has become core to women’s existence, and its performance is to the benefit of others. So then, non-women receive women’s labor as a right rather than a privilege.

Much like discussions of the word “nigga”, dialogue surrounding black labor and product in America must begin at slavery. Black labor, black bodies, and black product all began in the American domestic sphere as property belonging to everyone who was not black. As the country has grown, black people remain the most denigrated, and I would maintain that our labor, bodies, and product have been taken up as every American’s property.

This is the problem in diluting Aminé’s message: it isn’t just white people who think that they can take up black culture at their own convenience. All non-black people are at fault to a certain degree. So I ask that when we have these conversations concerning black product- because at the end of the day, “nigga”, with all of its cultural appeal, is a product of the hard labor that is “black cool”- we are careful not to forget nuance. We must hold everyone who is not black accountable for their role in black people’s exploitation.

A poem:

I think he hopes they hear all of his words. Yellow can be too loud. You get stuck on happy and forget all that lies beneath it. Caroline, don’t you see that… if you’re not black don’t say it. I think he’s just trying to be a whole person. And when you’re a whole black person, it’s hard to hear them, see them say it.

My experience learning about Kanye West within the confines of a classroom

IMG_0826When the rumor spread that my school, Washington University in St. Louis, was offering a class on Kanye West, it created a lot of excitement on campus and fodder for news outlets nationwide. Reactions were distinctively positive or negative. Kanye detractors lamented that the course was a waste of time and resources. However, Kanye fans, like myself, were eager to rearrange their previously set class schedules and anxious to get off a wait list that quickly grew to over 100 names within days after course registration opened. I was one of the lucky ones. After sending Professor McCune an email with my 12-page research paper attached from freshman year titled, “The Debate Regarding an Old and New Kanye: There is Only One”, along with a link to Jasmine Mans’ “Footnotes for Kanye”, which quickly went viral, and explaining that both the research paper and Mans’ performance represented my thoughts about Kanye – the artist, designer, and human being – I got a reply the next morning that read, “You’re in!”. And that’s how I got off the waitlist for “The Politics of Kanye West: Black Genius and Sonic Aesthetics”, the first-ever Kanye class at a major university. I had spent a semester trying to understand Kanye in conversation with one of my best friends and through internal dialogue, and I would finally get to externalize all of these ideas in a class.

On the second day of class, Professor McCune pulled me aside to ask if I had free time later that day. When I said that I did, he told me that a local news station was coming to campus and wanted to interview two students to ask why we would take a course on Kanye West. Later that day, I looked directly into the news camera and said something like, “If the 2016 election taught us anything, it’s that the bar for entertainment, specifically in the United States, is incredibly low. A presidential candidate, through hate-speech and bullying, ascended to victory, in part, because his spectacle was considered to be good television. People wanted to watch him despite the lack of preparation and relevant knowledge that informed his performance. Conversely, Kanye West has yet to offer low-quality content where his work is concerned. Regardless of whether or not you enjoy his music, clothing, or sneakers, it is clear that he puts an incredible amount of forethought and collaboration into his productions. In that way, I think that many people could learn from Kanye strictly on the basis of answering the question, ‘what is good entertainment?’. Kanye appeals to a universal audience because he represents the common man in his very public struggles with love, health, money, and family. If there was anything that I especially wanted to do following the 2016 election, it was to better understand the people around me, people who, whether they accept the comparison or not, are a lot like Kanye West.” I shared with the interviewer my final reason for wanting to take the class: Kanye is timely. Kanye experienced a mental breakdown just before my winter break. I have struggled with anxiety and depression, and many of my friends, as do many college students, have struggled with mental illness too. As conversations around mental well-being and self-care continue to grow in the public sphere, I thought that I would enjoy exploring through an academic lens the effects of celebrity on mental health and how it impacts our view of the individual.

My contribution to the interview was not used on the nightly news, and neither was the other student’s, even though the cameraman (there was no interviewer) said my words would make great soundbites. In place of my and the other student’s opinions, they included about four seconds of footage of my classmate and me walking down the hallway with our professor. I hadn’t expected much more. If anything, their choice confirmed my already entrenched belief that the bar for entertainment is low.

After airing the segment, a news anchor asked viewers to go online and fill out a poll asking their thoughts about the course, specifically, if it was a good idea or a waste of time and money.

Comments all over the internet questioned the need for the course. Many were upset that Kanye West, pejorative nicknames included, was the focus of a college course. While “Kanye West” is primary in the course title, it is important to note that he is a case study in a much larger topic of interest, rather than the whole of the class focus. A large portion of the academic foundation on which the course was built stems from topics of black iconography which Dr. Nicole Fleetwood, Director of Rutgers University’s Institute for Research on Women, explores in great detail. The concept of black iconography attends to a history of black bodies in the United States, which become the focus of the white gaze and allows for a single individual or construction of an individual to represent all black people.

Within the class, it is safe to say that there was a mix of feelings towards Kanye. There were people who would arrive wearing Saint Pablo shirts; others came to insure that the tone was not entirely positive, and there was a final showing of at least one person who conceded to not being a Kanye West fan at all. Because I firmly believe that people should hold entertainment to a higher standard, and there is an overwhelming need for critical thinking in the present social and political climate, I truly appreciated the non-fans for having sound supporting evidence as to why they do not like Kanye West.

The showing of ideas worked to hold Kanye accountable, just as every individual should be held accountable for his or her thoughts and actions that might work to the detriment of others. There are certainly instances of misogyny in West’s music that cannot be overlooked. But on the other hand, there are instances in Kanye’s career that reflect conscious feminist thought. Consider the Teyana Taylor-focused “Fade” video that, as one classmate pointed out, placed a female body in a masculine setting and allowed that body an exciting amount of autonomy. Again, to be critical is decidedly different from simply being a detractor.

One might look to conservative media as an example of the detractor-only view that asserts Kanye West is a misogynist, as are all black rappers, and that rap music is anti-woman. Professor McCune pointed out that conservative media’s proclivity for black rappers is almost laughable in light of the current U.S. president’s self-professed sexual assaults on women. Even more glaring than the president’s personal history of sexual misconduct is the current push to destroy women’s health care and, in the process, eliminate their rights to decide the fate of their own bodies. When you juxtapose these very real legislative efforts to rap music and music videos, the claims against the genre, and Kanye, in particular, are more than hypocritical.

In the course’s beginning, Professor McCune, who is also a Chicago native and attended the same high school as Kanye, though years earlier, addressed its detractors by asking why can we study Shakespeare and Picasso but not Kanye? What is it that bars Kanye West from the academic sphere as an acceptable focus of study? When asked to think of a black genius, any black genius, we found one of our answers: the title of genius has been historically barred from ascription to Black Americans more so than any other demographic. The box that stringently defines and confines what Black is and can be is one explanation in a number of reasons for why our class received so much backlash.

One way in which the black box is often most pernicious, especially within rap music, is in the case of authenticity. Very often the politics of Kanye West and many, if not all, other prominent rappers return to authenticity. Are you being authentically black? Historically, the United States has proven that it would rather have “Black” be a monolith. Kanye has expressed these limitations as they pertain to his goals in fashion. Repeatedly, he was barred from high fashion, and although his race might not have been the only reason, a history within the fashion industry

that undoubtedly privileges white designers and white models did little to disprove his claims of racism.

The Politics of Kanye West was punctuated by a three-part lecture series that was open to the public. In the final lecture, Professor McCune addressed most directly the symbiotic relationship between celebrities and the common man by exploring mental health and celebrity. His presentation was aptly titled, “Name One Genius That Ain’t Crazy: Kanye West and The Politics of Self-Diagnose”. Celebrity behavior, intentional or not, provides tacit permission for others to behave as celebrities do. As is often the case in instances of fame and prominence, we found in this course that many celebrities, especially black celebrities, become projections of societal wants. Kanye West and many other rappers are projection screens for what the public has ascribed to blackness at any given point in time. As we consider Kanye West in recent years, it is not a far reach to associate his being branded as “crazy” with his “rants” and grandiose claims of his importance to music and popular culture. But the “crazy” of Kanye West also coincided with a lot of protest and outrage from the black community in light of police murdering black men and women without consequence. To be clear, Kanye West did not grant Black Lives Matter protestors the opportunity to fully express their anger. To the contrary, their actions were entirely and very heroically their own. Yet, as sure as Kanye West is a black icon and what is projected onto his person is then translated onto all black people, when Kanye West becomes “insane” in the public eye thus making his feelings and opinions invalid, it is far easier for society to then say the same of the larger black community and their expressions of emotion. For reasons that are firmly rooted in prejudice, to be diagnosed with mental illness very often discounts the thoughts and opinions of an individual; though, in fact, a great deal of truth comes out of “insanity”, the foundation of which is often a means to cope with severe trauma.

Perhaps my greatest takeaway from the course will be Professor McCune’s call to act out “critical kindness”. The term represents a heightened form of kindness and empathy meant to be performed on everyone. When we, as viewers, consider a subject like Kanye West, a celebrity, there is very often an urge to judge that subject as our own. Based on the information that we acquire through headlines and lyrics and appearance, we determine who we think the subject is, and we judge them, very often harshly. We do not account for the trauma of living a public life or simply living a life at all. As Professor McCune pointed out on numerous occasions, we have all had moments of explosion when if someone were to look at us, they might think we’d lost our minds. But those moments are not lived on television screens or onstage in front of thousands of people. They more often take place in the privacy of our homes and with family and friends who affirm that, despite these moments of uncertainty, life remains constant. So, now that the course is over, as I think about Kanye West and the common man, I am more prone to recognize and consider the hardships that bare down on everyone. And as I try to better understand the people around me, many with whom I do not agree, I recognize that it is in our general best interest for me to practice critical kindness.

What is “freedom” for a black artist in the U.S.?

FullSizeRender-3It is difficult to be a free, Black artist in 2017 or in any year for that matter. I cannot, in good faith, say that Black artists of the present face more numerous or fewer challenges than those of the past, but the act of surrendering one’s art for public- and often white- consumption takes on new meaning in an age characterized by continuous and immediate critique. If on any given Saturday night, a singer was to walk onstage as Nina Simone did in 1976 at the Montreaux Music Festival, take a deep and dramatic bow, and stand silently at attention to the crowd for an entire minute, she would do so with thousands of phone cameras flashing. Those images would immediately transfer to a number of social media platforms and within seconds, millions of people might have conjured a response to the single, simple act. This act of resistance, cutting at the cage that traps every black artist, would face immediate backlash by millions for fear of what occurs once the Black artist breaks free.

Audiences very rarely want Black performers to prove their humanity. Many fully commit themselves to denying the uncomfortable truth that once a Black performer stops performing, despite her talent or wealth, her Blackness remains- not only the rhythm or soulful tone, but also thoughts and feelings of joy and pain born out of a history pregnant with injustice. White fear placed hurdles when Billie Holiday first attempted to perform “Strange Fruit” and brought Lauryn Hill’s career crashing down when after producing her debut album, which won a Grammy for Album of the Year in 1999, she released a live acoustic follow-up perforated by a tearful collapse and didactic breaks between songs. Black artists exist, for the most part, as slaves to our culture. Audiences drain them of creativity and, more precisely, of love- in my opinion- then throw those artists away, rung dry of any life force. To be a truly great artist is to give one’s whole self to creativity. So, as audiences absorb art in its many media and do little to restore the artist as a human being, they effectively work at killing that figure by willful neglect.

James Baldwin’s once asserted that America and the world will be free when Black love subsumes white hatred. The kind of love that Baldwin described is not a love reliant on displays of affection and adoration. Instead, it exposes its object to difficult truths and forces that object to apply truth to itself and to its surroundings. Throughout history black artists who dared love white people through their work by speaking truth risked and suffered literal and/or artistic death. That history is present and visible in the lives of contemporary artists such as Kanye and Solange who persistently love with truth. And while they experience astounding popularity among white audiences, it comes with a cost.

I love James Baldwin for all of his thoughts and writing. But his assertion, that it’s only by black people loving white people that America can be set free, is flawed. It won’t be enough that white people acknowledge and embrace the truth. If black people are to survive, white people will need to give something beyond reparations—that is freedom from their self-conscious oppression. An oppression born out of the belief that without systems designed to affirm white value, their value is made null.

Over time, Black artists have consistently reminded us that it is a cruel reality, which allows black people to find their only hope in mining goodness beneath centuries of systemic racism. The Last Poets’ “Hands Off” performance describes a nameless figure before asking, “What manner of man is this, my friend?” to which the speaker answers “needless to say he’s white” and continues,

So take your hands off of me, white folks, I’ve done you no wrong. I’m only guilty of making you strong. I’ve built all of your cities and I’ve worked in your mines. I’ve fought to protect you many a time…I taught you to dance and I taught you to sing. You repaid me with treachery and slavery and chains.


It is an admission of the love that the Black American has long given white people only to receive deceit and imprisonment throughout all of history. This Black love, as The Last Poets explain, made white people strong. It built their cities and nurtured their children. For free. And yet present day slavery exists in the form of the prison industrial complex, and evident treachery persists—the election of a candidate supported by the Klu Klux Klan just after the country’s first African American president served two terms and the acquittal of every police officer who shoots an unarmed black man or child.

These are the ugly facts that Black people must heal with love. It would seem that as news networks and social media feeds project such events and imagines, the truth is apparent. Anyone who cannot see that truth does not wish to see it. It’s as if a certain cognitive dissonance abounds, a willful ignorance that bars white people from returning the love that is so freely given.

Let’s look at Kanye, arguably the most prominent Black artist of today. Kanye is, in many ways, the black community giving its love to white people and receiving very little in return. Onstage at the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards, given thirteen minutes to spend however he pleased, Kanye said that he does not enjoy awards shows. He also confessed, “I just wanted people to like me more. But fuck that, bro! 2015. I will die for the art—for what I believe in—and the art ain’t always gonna be polite.” (http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/1231121/kanye-west-vma-vanguard-speech.jhtml) His message illuminates the struggle he faced over more than a decade of giving his art and receiving mostly criticism in return. At the start of his career, Kanye famously responded to Hurricane Katrina by stating, “George Bush does not care about black people” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIUzLpO1kxI) and since then he has increasingly shied away from the added punishment that comes from being a black artist who speaks against injustice.

So often Black artists are told to gag themselves if words against injustice rise in their throats because those are not what they get paid to speak. Solange’s album, A Seat at The Table, was hailed in 2016 as an album consumed by Black self-care. In the past month, she revealed its inspiration. In 2013, Solange called out white critics’ credibility to critique a Black art form when she expressed that if they don’t know who Brandy is, they shouldn’t speak on R&B music. A New York Times writer, feeling targeted, took to his podcast with another white, male writer to say that he had been to a Solange concert and seen her audience (a reference to her large white following), and that she should be careful not to “bite the hand that feeds her”. Solange’s response was to do just that.

Returning to Kanye—he gave himself to his art and to loving people who do not often return the favor. For that he has suffered “temporary psychosis” which recently sent him to the hospital for some weeks.

In order for Black people to be liberated and liberate their country, be it Kanye West or any other black artist, they must bite the hand that feeds them and see that as an act of Baldwinian love. By biting the oppressor, they force him to feel, and to bleed, and to eventually heal. However it is imperative that we demand love in return. Once white people truly know and feel the harm that they have caused, and can put that harm into their own words, then America will know freedom. So Baldwin is right to encourage love, but to say that in a liberated future white people will only be the receivers is simply incorrect, as Black people have been giving and white people have been receiving for a long time. It’s time Black people get love back. Only in this instance will America be free.


Fashion and self-expression with my Jordan 11’s

IMG_0817The year 2016 marks the 20th anniversary of the original release of the movie “Space Jam.” The film is not only a heartfelt homage to Michael Jordan’s career but also contains some of the most iconic moments in all of sneaker history. Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck sneak into Jordan’s home in order to retrieve a pair of Air Jordan 9s. Michael Jordan wears a pair of 11s as he stretches his body to many times its original size in order to make a half-court dunk and win the game that frames the film’s climax.

As many people, including myself, grew up watching Jordan play around with their favorite “Looney Tunes” characters, he became engrained in their childhoods. And over the years, his sneakers have been laced throughout their lives and personal narratives. To be a fan of Jordan and his brand was and still is, in the simplest of terms, a lifestyle. Many people have committed themselves to collecting every one of the 23 signature shoes, an effort spanning many years and requiring many thousands of dollars. The Jordan brand is releasing a special-edition package just before the holiday season, a move that both taps into nostalgia and perhaps also gives fans a gift for their loyalty. The two-shoe collector’s box will contain one pair of 11s as well as the brand’s most recent basketball shoe release: the Air Jordan XXXI.

Knowing that one of my favorite shoe styles will soon be back on shelves (albeit in a different color scheme) has me reflecting on my relationship with the Jordan brand and on how that relationship has evolved over time.

I was four when I received Air Jordan 11s. They are still my favorite pair of shoes that I have ever owned. They were simply a beautiful pair of shoes. The shiny patent leather and red gum sole made them easily distinguishable, and, over time, they became what is arguably the most popular model and color of any Air Jordan ever released. But for me, at four years old, they were a prized possession that I would cherish long into the future.

I lost those shoes. That summer, in 2002, I was enrolled in day camp, and we were required to spend time in the pool every day. We were also required to bring a pair of flip-flops or water shoes to wear. One day, I decided not to change out of my flip-flops immediately after our time in the pool. I innocently roamed through camp activities until assembly at the end of the day. As the camp director surveyed the crowd, she spotted my bare toes and demanded that I go put my shoes on. I found my bag buried under what felt like hundreds of others, although it was more likely five or 10. When I got to my bag, there was only one shoe.

I wouldn’t find the other until a year later, when I was back at camp, one year older and likely two shoe sizes larger. After I lost the shoe that summer, I had watched my mom throw the other shoe into the trash. Now, I stared at the single Jordan 11 in the lost and found, divorced from its once faithful counterpart.

I wear my favorite shoes until I hate them (or lose them), when they are so creased and tattered that their resale value might be cut to a fifth of the original price.

Some people are shoe collectors, allowing their best shoes to sit on shelves to be looked at like art in a gallery. This has never been my approach. I wear my favorite shoes until I hate them (or lose them), when they are so creased and tattered that their resale value might be cut to a fifth of the original price. But I think that’s the only way.

I truly believe that shoes are an extension of the individual and should be worn as such. A neighbor once told me that the most powerful thing that people can do for themselves is to make people truly see them. And shoes, clothing, hairstyles and any other part of a person’s appearance demand to be or to not to be seen. Especially for the marginalized, a loud pattern or bright coloring can be an act of courage, stepping outside of one’s comfort zone in an attempt to discover an even clearer vision of who she is and who she would like to be through the medium of her own reflection, ideally with little regard for how that image might appear to others.

When I was a child, I wore shoes because they had already been validated by the masses. But I now find it almost imperative to take risks in the way of appearance. Linda Rodin, a stylist and general figure in fashion, advised that too many opinions on a product boil it down to nothing. She said the same is true of one’s life and person. And so, I think it was fine as a child to be influenced by everything and everyone, making my decisions of what I liked and who I’d like to be based on what I found acceptable by observing others.

Now that I’m no longer a child, I find it is necessary to stop hiding my individuality because of fear of the opinions of far-off and sometimes nonexistent critics. For the most part, I now try to like my shoes and clothing based on personal taste and ideals of self-expression, an external reminder that just as I transform my appearance, I, too, can transform my person. This progression has allowed me to place a deeper investment in myself. It has made me more mindful and is perhaps the reason that I haven’t lost a shoe since 2002.